Global warming, which is causing the polar icecaps to melt, is also having an effect on Hollywood--and I'm not talking about carbon credits or hybrid cars.

Remember the fat kid from The Sandlot? Gone.

Chunk's breakout role in The Goonies. Forgotten.

See, gone are the days of the cute chubby kid in movies. Somehow, global warming and the lack of cute chubby kids in 21st century movies are linked. Hear me out. I've lost sleep over this theory.

Sure, we all know increased global warming results in stronger hurricanes, dimples on your right ass cheek, sugar substitutes (Splenda), ringworm, and an eventual heir to the Steve Guttenberg throne (TBD).

But most alarmingly, global warming is also causing Hollywood to drop a few pounds from the ranks of their child stars. Even cute fat kids with a bonus lisp are blacklisted from Hollywood.

And Hollywood can't just replace their rotund young stars with average-looking kids. The Powers That Be have decided that if cute fat kids are out, then skinny, annoying child stars should take their place.

Even Disney has scaled back the amount of cute fat kids they are using in their movies, which is mentioned in Revelations as a sign of the end of the world. The results are these anemic, hollow-eyed little thespian puppets, stamped with a Mickey Mouse barcode and shipped to Universal for casting calls. Jesus is coming back.

But that isn't the end of the story.

The lone caveat to the new skinny kid movement in Hollywood is that to be qualified as a cute kid actor, you've got to have the scariest teeth on the face of the planet.
 
Don't believe me? Just look at Dakota Fanning. She has fangs. Short little stubs of white and yellow that could maim if correctly wielded in a cannibalistic fit. She freaks me out.

Or those twins who played Julian from Big Daddy. When they open their mouths it looks like a bunch of jagged little Chiclets that put ravenous hyena chops to shame. My lone point is that obviously the world is coming to an end.

Ben Affleck has hair plugs. Al Gore has an Oscar.

Hasidic Jew curls will be en vogue in 3-6 months, after Paris Hilton gets out of jail sporting a pair of Hasidic curl extensions.

I'm waiting for the Publishing Clearing House drones to show up on my doorstep.

And with fat kids out of Hollywood because of global warming, I know the end is certainly near.

So, if you have a kid who is 30-50 pounds overweight, with curly red hair and more freckles than skin, make a u-turn and head back to your apartment in Tampa, Florida: your kid will get no work in Hollywood.

Instead, invest in an inflatable Coleman raft (in case the polar icecaps melt before Halloween).