In fact, our society has it all wrong.
We shouldn't have high school reunions at all. I don't need to see fatter versions of the people I was forced to go to school with eight years ago. That's why I don't keep in touch with them now.*
Instead, we should have elementary school reunions--reunions with the turds we went to school with in second and third grade.
I had this epiphany yesterday when I ran into a kid I went to school with for five years before he left after fourth grade. And I didn't recognize him at first. Rather, I overheard his name, looked a little closer and realized it was the same kid I knew fifteen years ago. It was unmistakable.
I was staring at the future version of the kid I had known in 1992, and it was awesome. There was no pretense because I had no idea what he should be doing now--and that completely removed bullshitting from the equation.
There was no awkwardness. If he was a college dropout it didn't matter because he hadn't told me at the end of high school that he wanted to be a doctor.
I was just happy to see him, mainly because my last memory of him was during nap time and he was shitting out crayons in a mess of rainbow poop--a classic elementary memory.
I can't imagine getting to see the crazy cast of characters that made up my elementary school career in one room, all together for one crazy night of, "yeah, that whole lice scare was because of me," type stories.
You would legitimately have no clue what to expect.
Like, what happened to that kid who knew way too much about sex? The rest of us were watching The Smurfs and eating our boogers while he was miming sexual positions with the electrical outlet. What happened to him? Is he a registered sex offender now? Could I look him up on the internet and see his rap sheet before the reunion? Would he have the title of most prolific sperm donor in the world by now? I probably wouldn't shake his hand, but it'd be amazing to see him.
And that crazy Jewish kid who would cover the top of his hand in Elmer's glue, let it dry for 30 minutes, and then peel it off like a white fruit rollup and eat it. Does he have cancer now?
Or the kid who had scoliosis but pretended he had really good posture. We didn't realize it at the time, but that must've been awkward. Or the girl who had an A-cup in fourth grade. Does she have huge boobs now or did she stay at an A? Does she breast feed in public?
And the kid who had a faint mustache and underarm hair as an eight year old. Why did he smell like burnt toast? Is he still towering over his peers at 5'5? Did the girl who played M*A*S*H end up with a really poor husband? And did the kid who could recite the alphabet backwards in three seconds, did he burnout in high school?
You see, elementary reunions offer the possibility of much more excitement than high school reunions because they aren't predictable.
And I'd love to see these reunions organized. I can live without the rehashed gossip from high school. But I could sink my teeth into some late 80's and early 90's stories that come waterlogged with the kind of unintentional comedy that defines elementary school.
*Generic High School Quarterback, if you're reading this, I need my oil changed by close of business today.
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